'schizophrenia'

- a carer's journal

and I forgot ...

That last Friday Sam finally got to visit the local rehab ward. We'd been waiting for how long?

For what reason?

And of course we were late.

Traffic.

Lunch.

The clutch on my car that decided to stop working.

We got there to find mild disapproval at our tardiness - but it went fine - but more of another assessment really rather than a gentle getting to know you session. We'd thought the assessments had been done.

And the next visit ... ?

No mention.

And would somebody be going to the planning meeting at the hospital on Monday?

They weren't sure ...

So Monday we rang and nobody could go so what was the point in having a meeting about Sam's future if a representative of that future couldn't be there ...

(Forgive me. I've just deleted "f***ing" from the previous sentence.)

And so it was postponed.

Postponement is a regular event.

There are always good reasons.

But I too have worked in the public services and I know that what goes on in the Health Service would not be tolerated in other areas.

And is there a timetable for Sam going to the rehab ward?

Of course not.

it still needs the consultant to sign a piece of paper.

And what further information does she need before then? From whom?

And has anyone asked us?

Do you really need an answer?

Forgive me if there are any of you still out there for not having been here much recently.

There are things to catch up on, good thing, mundane things, organisational things and ...

of course

problems!

I had a call this morning from the hospital. An issue. A problem ...

I'll come back to that.

But the weekend before last went really well. Sam went to an art therapy workshop with an amazing guy on the Friday afternoon. Then on the Saturday evening Sam and I went to a party at the house of his psychologist. He loved the atmosphere and just wanted to stay till late. On the way back on the Friday Sam had suggested we went swimming over the weekend so on Sunday Sam, Nell and I did. (Jane has been away for a few days.) Sam admitted that when he walked from the changing rooms into the pool area and heard all the echoing noise he thought "Oh no" wondering if it would set off his thoughts. But he'd coped fine and loved going down the scary slides with Nell.

So all in all a great weekend.

And last weekend went well too. We again did lots and although Sam was a little more subdued everything went well.

But today I got the phone call.

Sam had had one of his blips last night. He'd been climbing the tree and trying to get out.

And then he had assaulted and kicked a member of staff who now has a sprained back and is on pain killers ...

Sam remembers nothing of this.

I'm hoping to pick him up tomorrow so that he can be home the following day for his birthday.

Let's hope it works out fine.

I planned to write about last weekend - and then this recent weekend ...

but I haven't.

Do you forgive me?

I will try.

Honest I will.

Sam has spilt tea all over the keyboard whilst looking for books on kundalini.

AndnowthespacebaronlyworksifyouhititreallyhardsoIdoapologiseifthisisdifficulttoread!!!!!!

In the meantime here are a couple of really interesting articles in the Guardian:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/medicine/story/0,,1806084,00.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,,329513922-110418,00.html

Sam just phoned and he's so well.

We chatted about the weekend and what we might do. He had loads of positive ideas. It's his mood that has lifted and enables him to cope with troubling thoughts. He's no longer frightened by them.

Jane's away this weekend but I reckon Sam and I are going to have a good time.

Why is it always on a Friday ...

... that Sam has one of his blips?

It seems he has them also at hospital but at home it is often on a Friday and almost always early evening.

This Friday her went out with Jane to collect a take-away meal. Sam went to get some tobacco whilst Jane went to get the food. On the way back it was clear Sam was not well and over the next hour he became uncommunicative. You could just see that staring look in his eyes. There was stuff going on in his head that had taken over and he could no longer communicate.

Later he said that he saw the universe in his head that evening. He also said he'd felt drops of water falling from the ceiling.

The next day he was angry with himself for this having happened. As if it was his fault. This helps cause his depression I'm sure - though that has been less strong for the last couple of weeks.

Over the rest of the weekend he's been fine. He's got into watching the football World Cup matches on the television - he even copied the times of matches this week to take back with him today - and also beat me at chess a couple of times. We had a nice walk before driving back to hospital this afternoon.

Though after driving there and back through thunderstorms on the motorway I arrived home exhausted.

It was such a surprise.

An apology!

Last week at a meeting I met the manager of the rehab ward where we hope Sam may be moving. He sought me out and apologised for the fact that Sam's move there was taking so long.

It doesn't happen very often. But it was very welcome.

But then this week we still hadn't heard about when Sam was paying his first visit to the rehab ward.

After a few enquiries and discussions and tears it was decided it won't be until the 23rd June.

I'm sure there are good reasons.

I just wish I knew what they were.

Meantime the Mental Health Act Tribunal may reconvene, release Sam from his section and watch everything go pearshaped.

Yet again ...

I don't know when my emotions are close to the surface.

I discover it when they overflow.

Too late.

Yesterday I was in floods of tears over misunderstandings of things that were nothing to do with me.

Then today a phone call about Sam's move - or not - and I suddenly realised I was close to tears over nothing really. Then later I was upset again, then angry and in argument over nothing, but upsetting others ...

And I remembered that I'd set up this blog partly to help release some of that emotional energy so I thought of writing here ...

but ...

then ...

sensibly ...

went for a walk instead!

Despite Sam's cold he's really done well this weekend.

He's recognised it himself and was telling staff how well he'd been this weekend - apart from being poorly of course ...

On Thursday Sam phoned to say he'd got a really bad cold. He said he hadn't slept well as each time he went to bed to lay down troubling thoughts affected him.

When one has a high temperature one an often be affected by strange thoughts and dreams - so if one has a propensity for such thoughts I guess it must be even more difficult.

Despite this he sounded very sensible but was feeling very sorry for himself.

Jane went to pick him up on Friday. In the morning they had taken him to the doctors as he'd had a very bad cough. The doctor had diagnosed a chest infection and he was prescribed antibiotics.

All weekend Sam has had a temperature and a rotten cold. Unfortunately the cough has not stopped him smoking - though he has cut down a lot.

When I get a cold or flu type virus I can often get some depression with it. However Sam has been really positive. Mentally he seems very strong.

Last night he came and had a long chat with me about his future. He was speaking with great common sense, insight and maturity.

Maybe a cold is good for him!